There's no singular story or experience that can summarize the lesbian experience. It's complex and nuanced, full of intersecting and overlapping identities, notions, and history. To break down the basics, a lesbian is a person who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women. 

One of the earliest known written references to lesbianism is Sappho, an ancient Greek poet who wrote about her love for women and lived on the island of Lesbos in the 6th century BCE. The word lesbian is derived from the island of Lesbos. A fun fact is that the term sapphic, an umbrella term including lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals, trans femmes, trans mascs, and nonbinary people for being attracted to women, is derived from Sappho's name. Lesbianism has existed for centuries, but unfortunately, it hasn't been well documented. It has often been rendered invisible due to compulsory heterosexuality, sexism, transphobia, and racism. 

As you grow from child to adolescent to adult, it's natural to question your identity, gender, and sexuality. You think to yourself, "Yeah, I like women, but I'm not a lesbian. All women are attractive." But the question remains hanging over your head, and it can be pretty terrifying for some people to wonder, "Am I a lesbian?". Being a lesbian is so nuanced that someone took the time to create a master document to answer essential questions about identifying as a lesbian that went viral in 2021. So you have questions, and you're thinking, "I might be a lesbian?" Many questioning women have difficulty sorting through their attraction because of hypotheticals. Society generally disregards or challenges the concept of a woman being attracted to another woman. Which is where we get into compulsory heterosexuality. 

Compulsory Heterosexuality

"Compulsory" is the opposite of "optional." "Compulsory heterosexuality" is the idea of heterosexuality being assumed and forced upon those who identify as women or are perceived by society as women. It affects people of every gender, race, and ethnicity, but it's been primarily studied as affecting women. This is because compulsory heterosexuality easily ties in with the misogyny that causes women's sexualities and identities to be defined by their relationships with men. As young girls, women are taught that making men happy is their job. It's taught by family structures, media, educational systems, religious systems, etc. Magazines are full of sex tips on how to better please men, and movies are about how we're supposed to fall in love with and trap men into relationships. In 1980 poet Adrienne Rich wrote in an essay, "Compulsory Heterosexuality and the Lesbian Existence," Rich stated that heterosexuality isn't just sexual orientation and that it happens to be the orientation of some people. Heterosexuality is a political institution that is taught, conditioned, and reinforced. It's the belief that the average person is heterosexual based on assumptions and behaviors. For example, only heterosexual love is innate, and women need men as economic and social providers. The notion of heterosexuality is seen as the default and widespread because it's considered "natural."

Sexuality is political. Compulsory heterosexuality in the lesbian experience is perceived on a spectrum from deviant and overly sexualized to being completely invisible and seen through a lens of friendship, not romance. Compulsory heterosexuality forces lesbians to struggle through learning the difference between what you've been taught you want (being with men) and what you want (being with women), which is why so many lesbians have dated men at some point. Compulsory heterosexuality is a part of a political and socio-economic system weaponized against women. If you identify as a lesbian, it can take years to unlearn compulsory heterosexuality and then learn the basics of maintaining a healthy lesbian relationship. It necessitates learning how to maintain a healthy communication, learning safe sex, and understanding different forms of attraction. It becomes even more complex and confusing if you start to question your gender. As you start to explore your sexuality more, you can also begin to explore your body and relationships with others. The first step is exploring and understanding your own body. The next step is understanding others and learning to healthily communicate your desires with your potential partner(s). Your health and safety matter above all else, but so do your partners.

CONSENT IS ESSENTIAL. 

Some ways to have safe sex with your partner that are aimed towards vaginal or oral sex are using dental dams, finger cots, latex underwear, or condoms. A dental dam is a sheet of latex that separates a person's mouth or genital from a partner's bodily fluids, which helps to prevent an STI. You can get an STI from any form of skin-on-skin contact or exchanging bodily fluids. Dental Dams are used for cunnilingus, analingus, and genital-on-genital grinding.

Finger cots can be bought at any drug store and are used for fingering or touching any part of your partner's genitals. Before using a sex toy, make sure you're cleaning the toy regularly to prevent infection or spreading STIs. If you use a sex toy on yourself or your partner, a condom will help prevent STIs. When using a sex toy or fingering, lubricant can be your best friend. But not all lubes are made equal, and there are some ingredients to stay away from. Glycerin or glycerol in lubricants will increase the likelihood of a yeast infection. The reason is that glycerin is a sugar, and sugar in the vagina will increase the risk of a yeast infection. It's also best to avoid products with parabens and silicones. Mineral-based oils are helpful for a quick fix but can degrade condoms and sex toys over time. A majority of sex toys are meant to be used with water-based lubricants.

Mutual Satisfaction with your partner is important; to get that, you need to ask each other what you like and don't like. Whether it's switching up positions, trying out new sex toys, or just role-playing, you need to advocate for what you do/don't want or need. This can mean doing whatever is needed for both partners to feel comfortable and cared for, whether it's openly talking with your partner, aftercare, cuddling, or spending time together. You and your partner(s) should discuss what aftercare means to you and how you can be there for each other after sex. Clear communication is the best way to state your boundaries and ensure everyone involved has some fun.

No community is perfect. If you identify as a lesbian, are questioning, or are an ally, it's essential to recognize the transphobia and racism that can exist in lesbian community spaces. It comes down to understanding intersectionality. Intersectionality is a term coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, Professor of Law at UCLA and Columbia Law School, to describe the relationships between social categories and the people and concepts that can be a part of more than one. It is used to discuss overlapping problems of social justice, for example, racism and sexism overlapping to create layers of injustice. Without seeing how these layers work and how they can impact all the members, a group of people can fall through the cracks of any movement or community. No group or community is free of intersectionality, and it's essential to recognize how it affects everyone in your community. In the lesbian community, it rears its ugly head as transphobia. An article written in October 2021 by BBC called "The Lesbians Who Feel Pressured to Have Sex and Relationships with Trans Women" perfectly illustrates transphobia in the lesbian community. The article details the experiences of a few lesbian women who have a "preference" towards female genitalia. Having a preference for genitalia is trans-exclusionary and transphobic. It perpetuates the societal pressures for transwomen to have gender-affirming surgery to be considered women. It discredits transwomen, the trans experience, and turns into fetishization at a certain point. A person's sexual organs should not dictate whether or not they belong in a community. Marsha "Pay it No Mind" Johnson, 1945-1992, was a Black trans woman who was the driving force behind the Stonewall Riots and sparked the new phase of the LGBTQIA2s+ movement in 1969. Because of women like her, we've been able to grow as a community. If, as a community, we push out trans women, we become the oppressors and create obstacles within our community. There's a reason dark orange is on the lesbian pride flag. Suppose we as a community exclude our trans sisters. In that case, we are doing a disservice to our own community, which is rooted in gender nonconformity (dark orange), community (light orange), our unique relationships to womanhood (white), peace and serenity (light pink), and femininity (dark pink). 

As a person who may be questioning, "Am I lesbian?" the future can feel overwhelming with questions about yourself, your identities, experiences, and how they all intersect. The most important thing to remember is that who you are and who you become are all fluid. You can change whether it's your gender identity or sexual orientation, nothing is certain, and it's okay to question. As you grow and change into your most authentic self, your body, mind, gender, and sexuality might also change. It's important to be gentle with yourself during this time and feel free to explore what sexuality means to you? Who knows? You might not even be a lesbian but bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or something else entirely! Now if you know, you're a lesbian but feel hesitant to identify as a lesbian, that's okay! You don't owe it to anyone to come out before you're ready. Movies and social media have honed in on one's coming out as an experience that is the singular most important moment of a queer person's life. Coming out is only the beginning. You should not come out in a space or environment where you feel mentally, physically, or emotionally unsafe. Your safety and mental health matter more than the act of coming out. With social media, anyone can share their coming-out story, and these experiences range from pleasant to horror stories. If you feel safe and trust the person you want to tell, you can, and you don't owe it to anyone to explain yourself or your sexuality. Take your time and allow yourself to grow.

So you think you might be a lesbian? Welcome! As you explore your sexuality and relationships, remember to stay true to yourself. After all, who knows you better than you!

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