Let's learn about F.R.I.E.S

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Consent is the first and most important step before engaging in any sexual activity. It's a way of setting boundaries between you and any potential partner(s), sexual or romantic. We practice consent day to day when we set boundaries with others like, whether you go out with friends or not. Consent is much more than "no means no," while saying "no" is an important form of consent. There's much more to the word and act of consent. Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent must be clearly and freely communicated between both participants. Consent can be verbal and affirmative to help you and your partner(s) understand and respect each other's boundaries.

Consent can’t be given by anyone who is underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs, alcohol, asleep, or unconscious.

If you or your partner uses pressure, intimidation, or threats, there's no consent because it can't be given freely. Also, consent can't be given in unequal power dynamics such as an employer and employee or teacher and student. Also, physiological responses such as an erection, lubrication, arousal, or orgasm are not consent because they are involuntary bodily reactions.  A commonly used acronym for learning about consent is F.R.I.E.S which means freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific.

"No" is enough. Any sexual activity, whether kissing, genital touching, oral sex, or vaginal or anal penetration without consent, is sexual harassment, assault, or rape. If your partner(s) pressured you into engaging in sexual activity after you've said "no" or expressed another form of not giving consent, that can be a tell-tale sign of an unhealthy or unsafe relationship. 

Consent is communication; consenting to one activity doesn't mean consenting to others. It's okay to change your mind and withdraw consent, especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Consent must be informed, voluntary, and active. A newer model for consent is "enthusiastic consent," which highlights a positive expression of consent that can be expressed with verbal or non-verbal cues. If it's not an enthusiastic "yes," then it's a "no". It's an enthusiastic agreement to be intimate. 

Consent is important for pleasure as well. Using consent with a potential partner(s) is looking into their eyes and pausing before moving forward or asking, "Should I keep going?". Consent can be a tool to help you understand your and your partner(s) bodies and what gives you pleasure. Maybe it's a form of touch or a sensation? But consent creates a safe space for you and your partner(s) to feel pleasure and intimacy.

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Check in’s before you give consent

• Check with your thoughts
• Check for any sensations of resistance or discomfort in you body
• Focus on how you feel

Asking for consent

• " Can I [insert activity here]?"
• " Do you want me to do [insert activity here]?"
• " Should I keep going?"
• " Can I touch your body?"
• " Do you have a condom with you?"
• Watching for nonverbal cues
• Using "I" statements such as," I would really like it if you did this."

Another way to keep sex consensual is by using safe words with your partner(s). A safe word is an agreed upon word by both participants that if you want to withdraw consent, you use the safe word. Using a safe word can help build trust and pleasure between you and your partner(s). Safe words can be non-verbal as well. For example, a tap on the part of the body if your mouth is restrained, like in BDSM, but if you are using a safe word, you need to have a way of communicating that to your partner(s). If your safe word requires verbal communication, both participants must be able to speak the same goes if it's a non-verbal cue; you both must be able to move. Restricting a partner from being able to use a safe word, whether it's verbal or non-verbal, means that they can not clearly and freely give consent. 

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It's important to discuss safer sex practices with your partner(s) and decide what works best for everyone involved. It's important to ask for what you want and be mindful of your partner(s) desires and boundaries. A method of using safe words is "traffic light". Using "green" for yes, "yellow" for slow down, and "red" for stop can help you and your partner(s) ensure that consent is always given. A fantastic tool is consent as a spectrum, as illustrated by Kai Cheng Tom, @kaichengthom, on Instagram; she shows consent as a spectrum from enduring to tolerating to willing to wanting.

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If you don't want to do something, you should feel empowered to say "no" without any explanation. How, when, and if you decide to be intimate with someone is your choice, not someone else's.

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