Understanding Polyamory

Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are getting more and more representation in the media. Unfortunately, the media doesn’t do the beautiful complexity of polyamory and ethically non-monogamous relationships justice. To understand the two, you must understand what they mean at their core. Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM, is the practice of being romantically involved with multiple partners who are all aware and consenting to the relationship structure. It’s sometimes called consensual non-monogamy. ENM is an umbrella term that includes several different relationship structures. A monogamous relationship is being romantically involved with a single partner rather than multiple. One of the many benefits of ENM is that these relationship structures can allow for strong emotional, romantic, and sexual bonds to form between multiple people. Polyamory comes from the Greek root “poly,” meaning more, and the Latin root “amor,” meaning love; put together, they mean “many loves.” Polyamory is a part of the spectrum of ethical non-monogamy, which encompasses a variety of sexual or romantic relationship dynamics. What matters the most is that polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are intentional, conscious relationships between multiple people. For a connection to be polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous, it must be consensual with everyone involved. If everyone involved hasn’t consented, it can be a breach of another person’s boundaries and a form of cheating. Polyamory and ENM can be a space to explore other relationship dynamics and shift your definitions of love and intimacy. 

Relationship Dynamics

Polyamory and ENM are extraordinarily diverse and bring to the table several different relationship dynamics to explore. Starting with —

Open relationships are a relationship where you and your partner are romantically monogamous but sexually non-monogamous.

Closed relationships are a relationship where both partners are exclusive to one another. 

Triads are a relationship between three people who are involved romantically and/or sexually together.

V is a relationship with three people, but not all of them are romantically and/or sexually involved with each other. One person will most likely be involved romantically or sexually with the other two separately.

Quad is a relationship where four people are involved either sexually or romantically together. Solo polyamory is where one might have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships but wish to maintain independence in their day-to-day lives. 

Hierarchical polyamory is a relationship dynamic where one of your partners is considered your “primary”. They may live with you, combine finances with you, or share other aspects of your life. Another partner might be considered a “secondary,” and within hierarchical polyamory, some partners might allow their partners to have “veto power,” which enables them to end a “secondary” relationship. 

Relationship anarchy is where all those involved are free to connect with others romantically and sexually without the need for labels or a form of hierarchy. 

A common term used for the partner of your partner is metamour. Being a metamour doesn’t exclude you from interacting or connecting with everyone within your relationship dynamic. Polyamorous relationship dynamics can extend to how you and all your partners interact with each other, such as kitchen-table polyamory, where everyone within a polycule can ideally sit around a table and discuss their relationships openly. A polycule includes everyone on the relationship map, including all your partners and metamours, whether or not they interact or live together. Parallel polyamory is where those involved are independent of each other and their partners’ metamours. There are numerous shades of polyamory and ENM. Those listed above are only some of the more popular types of relationship structures, meaning there’s still an entire UNIVERSE of relationship dynamics to explore.

Jealousy, Jealousy 

Jealousy happens in every relationship; for many people, it can be a roadblock to exploring polyamory or ENM. It might sound like, “I couldn’t stand the thought of my partner being with others. I’d get too jealous.” Jealousy is natural and comes with any relationship. Often the conversation surrounding jealousy focuses on eliminating it. However, jealousy can be a helpful tool for introspection and understanding yourself and your boundaries. As a society, we put too much pressure on keeping our relationships happy and don’t allow any room for anger, sadness, or jealousy. Relationships naturally change and evolve. Jealousy can be a tool for identifying what’s working and not working for us in relationships. For example, jealousy can stir up in relationships if one person is not feeling supported. All relationships take work, especially work inward, focusing on yourself, setting your boundaries, and communicating your needs. Above all else, the key to navigating jealousy in any relationship is communication. Suppose you stir up some feelings of jealousy. In that case, it can help to ground yourself with deep breaths, identify your emotions, communicate them, and trust yourself to work through them. 

Unfortunately, jealousy can also be a warning, and it can be a warning sign that boundaries are being disrespected. Jealousy can become a manipulative tool to control partner(s), and that’s a surefire way to disrespect everyone’s boundaries in a relationship. Communicating your emotions, needs, and boundaries with your partner(s) is essential. Setting boundaries in relationships is a great tool for recognizing any red flags or when a boundary is crossed. Jealousy can also help point you toward your desires. Feelings of jealousy, whether it’s insecurity, feeling unseen, needing support, or any other reasons, can help you identify which needs or wants aren’t being met. It can help to discuss these feelings with your partner(s) or to feel them freely. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions entirely is a great way to validate your emotions and can help you deal with those emotions in the long run. 

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 What Feels Right for You‍

At the end of the day, polyamory and ethical non-monogamy can work for you one day and not the next. It’s not a single structure to bind you, and polyamory and ethical non-monogamy aren’t for everyone. Rather, it’s a tool to explore what relationship structures or dynamics work for you. It requires an open dialogue, trust, and consent with your partners. Allowing yourself to change relationship structures to suit your current needs, whatever they may be, can be liberating. Allow it to be whatever works for you, not the other way around. Our relationships don’t define us, but they can help us feel connected with others. 

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